I'm Not Her
by Old Russian Lady
Summary: Nicky & Red's reunion when Nicky final comes back from Max.


"I feel like I've lost a child." Red said sadly, this time to know one in particular. She has said this sentence in such a sorrowful tone for the past 3 months.

Nicky had been taken to Max 3 months ago.

Red's depression like state of being started 3 months ago.

Everything was different without Nicky there, without her girl.

Red was lost in thought when Healy walked over to her.

"Hey Red."

"Hello Healy."

"Everything going ok?"

"Now Healy, you know the answer to that question."

"I know. Nichols isn't ok so you're not ok. Nichols isn't here so you're not here. Nichols if far from where she should be so you're far from where you should be. I know I'm missing one more.."

Red had come up with a different response every time Healy would ask if she was doing alright.

"Nicky is lacking the love she needs so I'm lacking the love I need." Red finished for him.

"Right. Well I came down here to tell you that she's coming back up the hill today. Actually right now, the van just left."

Red was so happy and relieved and excited, she couldn't help it she just burst into tears.

"Meet her at her bunk. That's where she'll be told to report to first."

Red could not believe. It was like her daughter was coming home for Christmas or something. Joy, nothing but joy Red felt at the thought of her Nicky coming back.

"We'll go on, get there before she does so you can surprise her."

"Thank you Healy. Really."

He smiled at Red and she hurried on her way to Nicky's bunk.

Thoughts. Many thoughts ran through Red's mind. Many emotions too.

True, Red was elated at the thought of her Nicky coming back, seeing her again, laughing with her again, talking about their problems together and giving each other advice. She missed her more than she could stand.

But then there were other thoughts and emotions. Like frustration and anger at Nicky for getting involved with those drugs again. Red was so furious the day Nicky was taken down the hill.

More thoughts and emotions still, sadness and guilt. Did Nicky not trust Red to come to her when she started to get involved with drugs again? Did she feel as though Red would e punished her too harshly? Did Red push her away?

Red reached Nicky's bunk and tried to push the last set of thoughts out of her mind. It pained her to think Nicky felt as though she couldn't come to her mother when she had a problem for fear of being pushed away.

Red eagerly waited.

Then, she saw her bushy haired, brown eyed daughter come around the corner towards her bunk. Red saw her first and stood up.

Nicky, who hadn't noticed the movement before, looked in Red's direction and locked eyes with her.

Immediately Red could see fear in her eyes and that last set of thoughts buzzed in her head like crazy, it hurt. Nicky's expression hurt her.

Finally Nicky was standing in the doorway of her bunk and Red was still standing by the bed.

Nicky was hesitant.

Red was careful, as though walking on eggshells.

"Hello, Nicky."

"Hey." A short answer from her told Red that she was afraid of Red's reaction. She kept this at the forefront of her mind.

"Are you doing ok?"

"I'm clean, if that's what you're asking." Nicky said coldly.

Red knew she did not mean to be cold for the sake of hurting her. She knew Nicky was being cold as a form of protected herself. Nicky often turned cold or became sarcastic when she felt vulnerable; it was a defense mechanism. And Red knew that Nicky felt extremely, extremely vulnerable in this moment.

"I'm glad you're back." Red sounded very sincere, and she meant to because that was the truth from the bottom of her heart.

"How come you haven't started to yell at me?" Nicky's voice became loud, an attempt to mask her vulnerability and fear of Red.

"What?"

"I screwed up. I did drugs. I did not listen to you. I did not do what you asked me, what you told me. I hurt your feelings. I did what was easy instead of what was right." Nicky became louder and louder with each short sentence.

"I know." Red whispered quietly.

"So why aren't you yelling? Why aren't you telling me that I'm a screw up? Why aren't you telling me that I'm a fuck up?"

With each question Nicky became louder and louder and tears began to fall from her eyes the longer she spoke. With each question, Red had taken a step towards Nicky, who hadn't moved from the door way. Red knew what was happening. She knew.

"Why aren't you screaming at me to get my shit together?"

Red took a step closer.

"Why aren't you threatening me with all types of dead end life situations?"

A step closer.

"Why haven't you told me that I'm not going to get anywhere in life because I've already fucked it up too bad?" She was completely bawling her beautiful brown eyes out at this point.

A step closer.

"Why haven't you told me you give up on me?"

Finally Red was standing directly in front of her.

"Why haven't you told me you want nothing to do with me?"

Red put her finger on Nicky's lips. She dried her tears with her shirtsleeve. And like so many times before, she cupped her daughter's face with her hands.

"Because I'm not her."

Nicky let a sob escape her mouth.

"I'm not her."

Another sob.

"Look at me. Look at me!" Red said, not at all harshly but in a pleading way.

"I. Am. Not. Her. Do you hear me?"

No words were spoken, all Red heard was a thump as Nicky practically threw herself on Red in a very tight embrace that she so desperately needed.

"Shhhh, it's alright. You're ok, you're ok. Relax." Red said in an ever so soothing way, trying to calm down her hysteric daughter she had in her arms. Red continued in words she knew Nicky both wanted and needed to hear, "You're not a screw up or a fuck up. I will never yell at you, no matter what."

Red brought one hand up to the back of Nicky's head and gently stroked her hair, trying to offer as much comfort as was possible.

She continued to whisper in her ear, "You have your whole life ahead of you. And you need to know something that's very important: I will never give up on you. Never. I will always want everything to do with you. I never want you out of my life, I'll never kick you out no matter what happens. There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to change that. And Nicky,"

She let go of the embrace just for a second so she could look into her daughter's deep brown eyes.

"I love you. I love you more than anything in my world. You can't change that. No matter how bad you mess up or no matter how much you might hurt me, that will never change. Never. I will always love you. Always. Do you hear me?"

"Yes."

Red cupped her face again, "My sweet girl. I've been so worried about you. I've missed you so very much."

"I missed you too. A lot."

And Nicky initiated another tight embrace.

"Ma?" Nicky said with her chin on Red's shoulder.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I love you too."

Red's heart melted. It always did when Nicky said those words to her.

Red kissed the top of Nicky's head.

Nicky sighed so relieved and happy to be back where she belonged, not in prison, but with her ever forgiving, ever loving mother.


End file.
